Finding Lost Hope

   Infertility is an emotional roller coaster.  Sometimes I'm full of hope and happy with the thought that I might soon be a mom.  Sometimes I am convinced that I will never have children and the pain of it will never stop.  This month marks three years since we decided to start a family.  Three years of seeing my hopes dashed month after month.  I am in yet another two week wait so for all I know I could be pregnant now.  But after three years of I have trouble believing it.  I realized today that I was afraid to hope.  As if by expecting to be unsuccessful, I could somehow lessen the pain of the inevitable disappointment.  
    It does not work.  I realize that now.  Today I found a post that is helping me find the courage to hope again.  It made me realize two things.  I will be a mother some day and giving up on hope will not make the pain of disappointment any less.
    My life is measured in months and cycle days now.  When a new cycle begins, I know the previous one has failed and it is okay to grieve.  But that does not mean I should abandon hope for the next cycle.  I might as well be happy now in the thought that despite the odds I could be pregnant.  Despairing now will not save me grief but only add to it.  So I choose to ignore the statistics and look at in a new way.  Either I am pregnant or I am not.  I will tell myself it's 50/50.

     What I have always wanted most in life is to be a mother.  That will never change.  It is who I am.  Long before I met my husband, I did was not sure if I would ever find the right guy for me.  So I had a back up plan.  If I never found a husband, I would adopt and I would still be a mother.  Right now, we are not in a position financially to adopt or even afford IVF.  However, we are taking steps to improve our finances.  It might take some time, but whether I give birth to a child or give a child a home, I will be a mom some day.