Finding Lost Hope

   Infertility is an emotional roller coaster.  Sometimes I'm full of hope and happy with the thought that I might soon be a mom.  Sometimes I am convinced that I will never have children and the pain of it will never stop.  This month marks three years since we decided to start a family.  Three years of seeing my hopes dashed month after month.  I am in yet another two week wait so for all I know I could be pregnant now.  But after three years of I have trouble believing it.  I realized today that I was afraid to hope.  As if by expecting to be unsuccessful, I could somehow lessen the pain of the inevitable disappointment.  
    It does not work.  I realize that now.  Today I found a post that is helping me find the courage to hope again.  It made me realize two things.  I will be a mother some day and giving up on hope will not make the pain of disappointment any less.
    My life is measured in months and cycle days now.  When a new cycle begins, I know the previous one has failed and it is okay to grieve.  But that does not mean I should abandon hope for the next cycle.  I might as well be happy now in the thought that despite the odds I could be pregnant.  Despairing now will not save me grief but only add to it.  So I choose to ignore the statistics and look at in a new way.  Either I am pregnant or I am not.  I will tell myself it's 50/50.

     What I have always wanted most in life is to be a mother.  That will never change.  It is who I am.  Long before I met my husband, I did was not sure if I would ever find the right guy for me.  So I had a back up plan.  If I never found a husband, I would adopt and I would still be a mother.  Right now, we are not in a position financially to adopt or even afford IVF.  However, we are taking steps to improve our finances.  It might take some time, but whether I give birth to a child or give a child a home, I will be a mom some day.

2 Week Wait

   When trying to get pregnant, you have to wait 2 weeks between ovulation and when you learn if you are pregnant or not.  At least they say it is two weeks.  I'm beginning to suspect that there is a wrinkle in the space time continuum that forms around every two week wait.  If it were any other two weeks the time flies by until you realize, "Wow the month is almost over already.  Where did the time go?"  However, if you are in a two week wait, the time drags by.  You look at the calendar and you say, "What it's only day ten? I have to wait four more days!"  And each of those days feels like a month.

Schrödinger's Pregnancy

   Here I am in yet another two week wait and I feel like Schrödinger's cat.  If you are not familiar with Schrödinger's cat (or just want a good laugh) I have included a clip from the tv show The Big Bang Theory which explains the concept.  

   The two week wait is an annoying period of uncertainty.  I could be pregnant right now, or I could be gearing up for another disappointment.  Until I can take a test in another week and a half I could considered both pregnant and not pregnant with no way to open the hypothetical box yet.

  This was especially evident today when I had a slight headache in the afternoon.  Normally I would take Advil, but that could be bad for a possible child.  If I am not pregnant, why should I suffer a headache needlessly?  So in the end, I choose the pain.  I choose to protect a child who, probably does not exist, because despite my past disappointment and my future worries, I still hope.

Other Worlds

If I lived in an ideal world…

I would have 4 children

I would have started before 30 and end before 40

They would be boys and girls

All healthy and happy

If I lived in an ideal world

If I lived in a good world…

I would have 2 children

I would have one now and another before 40

They would be boys or girls

Both healthy and happy

If I lived in a good world

If I lived in a nice world…

I would have a child

I would be pregnant now or at least before I’m 40

It would be a boy or a girl

All healthy and happy

If I lived in a nice world

Why I'm Writing this Blog

    According to babycenter.com, 80 percent of couples get pregnant within 6 months and 85 percent within one year.  They say that if you do not get pregnant naturally within 6 months or a year (depending on age) you should seek help.  We have been trying for two and a half years and counting, and we can't afford a specialist or adoption.
    Infertility is a lonely road.  It is a roller coaster of hope and heartbreak that is largely invisible to the outside world.  This is why I am writing this blog.  It serves to provide an outlet for my own heartache.  I also hope that by sharing my own struggles I may provide encouragement to others in the same situation.
    Perhaps I can make the road a little less lonely for someone else.